Wednesday, September 30, 2009

3 on 3

- lack of support. He believed in me more than I ever did, always encouraging me and pointing out my talents and giftings. When I struggle, I don't have that voice to comfort me. When I'm scared, no hand to hold. No love-texts throughout my days. No emails peptalks before hard work days or hard emotions. I'm running everyday by myself. And when I cross the finishline at my first 5K, no one will be there cheering specifically for me.

+ I am forced into a corner of self-discovery, and selfishness. Defining my dreams and taking steps to get there without having to factor in the effects on my husband or our first year of marriage. I am dead center in the begining of a new season in my life and I can be concerned with myself. Although it's sometimes scary and overwhelming, it is exciting and challenging!

- I miss him. So often I think about seeing him, talking to him, hearing his voice, feeling his arms surround me, being encouraged by him, laughing with him, knowing we can change the world together. I miss his acting silly, I miss his forehead kisses, I miss his drumming everything, I miss his ability to make bad days good again, and the way he made me feel special. I miss his eyes, his smile, his goofy laugh. I miss being reminded of what he had survived and how lucky we were. Everyday, I miss him.

+ I get to pick what I watch EVERYDAY. I can eat peanut butter and cook with it EVERYDAY. If I want to go somewhere in the evening, I can, EVERYDAY. And I never have to listen to any music I don't like. I don't have to compromise. I get to be selfish.

- I sleep in the bed we had picked out for our marriage bed. It is way too big for just me.

+ I sleep in a big bed, alone. I can sprawl if I want to. I can sleep in the very center if I want to. I can sleep diagnol if I want to. I can be selfish with the whole bed. Mostly though, I just sleep on one side, and feel the void next to me; knowing I'm better off in everyway to be sleeping alone.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®


  1. Like on Facebook.. can I just click the little 'like' button?

  2. Inspiring. Unusually sad, but I feel privileged to have read.


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