July 14, 2009
I've been avoiding writing this all day. Maybe I've been trying to keep with the positive tone my writing has been having as of late. Maybe I've been avoiding putting pen to paper because writing it down and seeing it in front of me makes it all more real. Or perhaps its because I don't know what to say and keep feeling like I don't have many words for the situation I find myself in. Perhaps.
Last night, after work, I took a nap. I chalked it up to my wanting to "catch up" on rest after my fabulous trip to Denton. Or perhaps the universe was directing my body to a bit of pre-drama rest. Perhaps. He was going to come over to chat after dinner, and I asked him to call me on his way. A perfect alarm clock, Dave Matthews singing to me via ring tone in order to assure my fiance was on his way to see me. What could be better?
He called. Dave sang. He came over. And he said he is not ready. He can't marry me. And, he understands if I never want to talk to him again.
I am as confused now as I was then.
For about five minutes I just repeated "alright. Okay." over and over again. It was my calming mantra that kept me centered while my brain was spinning.
Everything you would have expected from some sort of romantic comedy was now sworming me. Headache. Nautious waves. Feeling like I was dreaming. It was just missing the laughter.
I asked him how long he had felt this way. I asked him why he didn't tell me before my trip, when I was with my best friends and family. I asked him what all this meant to him. I asked him if we could work through this. I asked him if he still loved me. I asked him why he moved me to NY. I asked him what I did that made him change his mind. I asked him to explain himself. I asked him if he was sure.
He told me I was the person he cares most about in the world and that he never meant to hurt me. He told me I was the best friend he ever had. He told me he would help me with whatever I needed. He told me he would pay for all the lost deposits. He told me that I deserved better than this. He told me he had been crying for days. He told me this has nothing to do with who I am as a person. He told me he can't love me right now the way I need to be, the way I should be loved. And he told me he was sorry over and over and over again.
He told me he was sure.
I asked him to leave.
He did not tell me what he wants now. Together? Apart? Time? Space? Postponement? Final seperation?
Danielle emailed me today and assured me it doesn't matter what he wants- it matters what I want. It NEEDS to matter what I want.
I know it should matter most what God wants. But I'm struggling here. I was so assured that what God wanted was our union, in His name. A marriage that points to Him and spreads His love and does His work.
I thought we both thought this.
But I thought wrong.
So I refocus, unsure of what's next. Unsure of where to go from here. Unsure of what I want- other than peace and calmness and strength that surpasses all understanding. I want to go home- even lacking knowledge of where home is to my head or my heart.
I am thankful that he was brave enough to tell me. And that he told me on July 13th, not September 5th after dinner, or even years later when so much more had been invested (although, currently, my heart seems to think it invested a lot- all that there is to invest, even). I'm thankful that my friends and family have such loving souls and have said all the right things (none of which being 'I told you so'). I'm thankful that my boss has assured me that it is easier to cancel a wedding than get a divorce. I'm thankful that I am feeling.
I feel ten different emotions, all at the same time- but I rejoice that I haven't yet felt numbness. I dread the day the numbness seeps in, and I vow to myself right now to fight it from taking over with every strength I can muster. I refuse to be left in a comma of emptiness.
I'll take sad and weepy, broken hearted and hurting, humilation, sarcastic, angry, ill, shocked, and denial- even bitterness- before I take comfortable in numbness. That's a promise. I will not allow this- a broken engagement, a cancelled wedding, a lost relationship, an embarassment of being wrong and not enough- to defeat me.
I WILL get through this. I know that.
But it doesn't make it any easier.
I still feel very much alone.
And very much confused.
And I don't like it.
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