Wednesday, December 9, 2009

vibrant snow


I live a mile and a half away from my office.
This means in the summer, I walked to and from work a lot of the days.
This also means that when we get several inches of snow and the road are horrible and traffic on the highways is at a standstill, I am the first, and in today’s case, only person in the office.

The snow will not stop falling. It is determined to give the city a fresh, washed out, completely blank canvas and I really can’t complain. Because sometimes, I want a blank canvas, too.

Sometimes I want to take a big giant pink eraser and scrub away the last few years of my life. Erasing the pain. Erasing the heartache. Erasing the loneliness.
Sometimes I want to throw a bucket of white paint against the wall of my emotions- not taking the time to tape the trim of “good parts”, use a brush or roll over the details- but just cover the whole thing. Sometimes I want to spray it all away, the way the garden hose washes away the chalk markings of a four year old. Sometimes I just want it all to go away.

When I have a bad dream, that doesn’t make much sense to me, causing me to wake at 3:15 AM and not stop thinking about the past. Where I went wrong. How I should have never of said yes. How I could be living a different life, in a different town, with a different agenda. Because the current agenda of “survive. Run faster.” Just isn’t really working with my heart at 3:15 in the morning. I want to sleep. I want to rest. I want to embody peace. But instead my heart hurts, and my eyes cloud, and my brain twirls in circles.

I keep looking out the window to my office and watching more and more snow fall. I swear I cleaned off my car before I drove to the office an hour ago, yet it is completely covered again. This snow is determined.

And so am I.
I am determined not to let the bad dreams win. Or the sad days. Or the heart ache.

I am determined to move forward. A little more each day.
I am determined to enjoy my life, and count the things I am thankful for more than just on Thanksgiving. I am determined not to let a broken engagement, and a lonely few months take over my otherwise fabulous year. I am determined not to sit in the wanting differently, not to long for what I don’t have.

I am determined not to be CONTENT with my life, but to be CELEBRATING it. I don’t need a blank slate because my life is full of color- deep, rich, vibrant color at that. I don’t want to wash away the past, because I know it’s building my character- developing my perseverance. And making me an all around better person. And I know that even though there are bad days, bad nights, and occasionally bad weeks- that I love my life. Even when it’s snowing.

5 comments:

  1. Ahh, that last paragraph gave me chills! I am barely content with my 'work' life, but you are so right - I should be celebrating the other things because I am very blessed.

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  2. Oh my goodness. This is why we are such good friends, I promise. Look at my last two paragraphs from my blog yesterday. It's basically the same as yours. :)

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  3. That looks like what I am seeing out my window!

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  4. Wow! I'm the only one in the office too! Well, except for the priest who lives here!

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  5. Heath--your heart is so beautiful. Also, I wish the hospital would have snow days every once in a while. :)

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