This past Friday a package was delivered to my home: a break-up non-wedding box of goodness from Meg.
The box was filler with a surplus of Non-wedding weekend treats. Although the entire package is worth sharing with you, I wanted to share something SO magnificent that I can't even wait until I am near a computer- that's right; I'm blogging via blackberry.
Meg sent me some lit to read. Four essays/short stories she pulled from various sources, made short prelude and overture notes about and sent for me to read.
Meg always picks the cream-of-the-crop lit to send my way, so as soon as I saw it in the box of goodness, I was elated!
I read two of the pieces at the lake this weekend, and after a day that put me in a less-than-grand mood, I decided to pack the remaining pieces and head out to the local coffee shop to lose my mind in the words of others.
I started an essay that left me breathless in the end. The entire story was interesting, but the closing two paragraphs grabbed such a hold of me that I wanted to get them out there for the blog world to digest right away.
From Dallas Angguish's The Camping Ground -
"But that's what happens when you get dumped isn't it? You search for reassurance or affirmation anywhere you can, no matter how debasing, no matter how opposite it might be to what you'd want if you were in your right mind.
And it's not true what they say, that time heals all wounds. The wounds just add up, until our hearts are like voodoo objects, littered with pins and punctures. I didn't know that then but even if I had I wouldn't have done anything differently. I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't"
How true is this? On so many plains! Do you relate?
The first few weeks post wedding-cancellation and relationship ending I caught myself more than once trying to gain my own confidence in the eyes of others. I wanted so badly to be wanted, to be desired. And to feel wanted and desired.
Deep down I knew I was wonderful, and worth it, and enough for the right man. But I also wanted to FEEL enough; and right away!
I grabbed every compliment and held on tight, allowing it to reassure mt own selfesteem. Every smile I received from a stranger, or flirty/friendly conversation gave me a sort of hope, perhaps artificial, of my future with men. It seems kind of sad and pathetic writing it out; but I want to be honest in my emotions and feelings having gone through this broken engagement.
I also love the voodoo heart theory! I agree whole heartedly (although, punctured heartedly may be more appropriate ;) ) and am so thankful for what this experience is teaching me. (Could there BE a bigger cliche, seriously?) I am already proving to myself that I am better off without the Mrs right now. Even when its hardest on my soul; when I'm feeling extra sad and lonely and empty (and dramatic) I know that my life now is better than it would have been had he never told me he couldn't go through with it. And I will even admit, right here on the world wide web that I TRULY believe that my life now is SO MUCH RICHER, & FULLER outside of that relationship. (I don't thank Jesus for this enough!)
I'm often in awe of the strength I've shown during the past two months. (You will read more about this in the next few posts). Sometimes I'm strong for my benefit, and sometimes I think I'm strong for the benefit of the people who love and worry about me. But either way, I know, I'm better off in EVERY way- by choosing strength and moving forward.